Instead of the carrot or the stick, try connection
By: Savannah Mayfield
One cloudy Portland afternoon a few months ago, I pulled into the Fred Meyer parking lot to do our once-per month “Freddy’s” trip. Like many mamas, I have a complex rotation of stores that I visit, depending on what we need. As usual, I had a lot to get done in a short amount of time.
As I lifted my two-and-a-half-year-old son out of the car seat, he asked for a “car.” He looks forward to riding in the big carts with the steering wheels, pretending to wheel around the store while I shop. We went on a hunt for a car cart, but the store was packed and they were all in use. I scouted the checkout lines with an eagle eye, but didn’t see any coming through.
As I promised to grab one when it was available, the meltdown began.
“I waaaaant a caaaaaar…” he howled. He began bucking his body as I moved towards the regular carts. “NO!” he shouted as I shoved my shopping bags under the cart. I realized that getting him into the seat of the regular cart was not going to be an option right now.
The moment of choice had arrived. Popular parenting techniques would be to either bribe him with something (perhaps a treat in the store) or threaten him (a spanking, a time-out, or even just a harsh tone) to get compliance.
But compliance is not the most important thing to me. I am much more interested in connection. My little guy was truly upset. There was something he needed in that moment, and I believe that my calling as his mama is to help him stay in touch with what he feels and needs.
My friend Lyla calls this “off-your-butt parenting.” Because most of us were trained to control children with punishments and rewards, it takes some work to find a different way of being with our kids. Being connected requires that parents are actively engaged with their children and willing to be flexible and, especially, creative.
Patience does not come naturally to me. I move and think fast and enjoy getting stuff done. I get frustrated easily and I also don’t enjoy being a martyr. I am very clear that meeting everyone’s needs, including my own, is important.
My first reaction in the store was irritation. I had so much to do that afternoon and we were already behind schedule. I took a few deep breaths while I held his writhing body in my arms. These breaths replaced the words of frustration that might escape my mouth if I let them out.
I gave myself some “inner support” by thinking, “This is the last thing you needed today. You have so much to do today and this is really challenging.” I also noticed that I felt embarrassed because a few people in the store were staring at us. I imagined they thought I was a bad mom with a spoiled kid.
Then I turned my attention to my little guy. My first assessment was if he wanted to be put down or held. I moved towards putting him down and he howled louder. As he wailed, I began to mirror his words back to him. “You really wanted to ride in a car today.” He screamed louder, tears rolling down his face. “The car is so fun and this cart is no fun,” I said for him. He nodded his head fiercely. “CAAAAAR…”
I realized that his primary need in the moment was to make the boring activity of grocery shopping with a busy mama into something fun. I quickly thought of all the ways that he could have more fun without the car.
“Until we find a car, do you want to stand on the back of the cart and help me steer?” He opened his teary, scrunched up eyes and looked at me. “And then you can help me put things in the cart!” He nodded his head and moved towards the carts.
In that moment, I did two things to change the situation: I let him know we would get a car when one was available and I found a way to still meet his need for fun. As he rode on the front of the cart and helped me load up with things we needed, his mood changed dramatically. He was having fun! When we passed by a car cart later, he decided he didn’t want one any more.
As we were checking out, a woman walked up to me. “I saw you with your son back there,” she said, nodding her head towards the carts. I felt my body tighten, prepared for criticism. “It was so refreshing to watch. You really listened to him.” She smiled and walked away as I thanked her.
Many people think that parenting without using punishments and rewards is overly permissive. They believe that if you don’t threaten or bribe your child into compliance, you aren’t teaching them respect.
I actually believe the opposite.
When I think about what kind of people I want my kids to grow up to be, respect is one of the key elements I want them to learn. By modeling respect in the way that I interact with them, I know that they are learning through their relationship with me.
I do set limits and take a leadership role with my kids. Parenting without punishments and rewards does not mean giving my kids everything they want. As a matter of fact, the things they want are often just strategies for meeting a deeper need.
Parent educator Pam Leo wrote that “it takes the same amount of time, attention, and energy to meet a child’s emotional needs as it does to deal with the behaviors caused by a child’s unmet emotional needs.”
I am certainly not a perfect parent and I never impose my parenting philosophies on other people. In my work as a life coach, I help women in discover the right way for them in every area of their lives, including parenting.
Recommended Reading
Marshall Rosenberg, Nonviolent Communication, A Language of Life
Aletha Solter, The Aware Baby
Pam Leo, Connection Parenting
Alfie Kohn, Unconditional Parenting
Gordon Nuefield, Hold On to Your Kids
Lawrence J. Cohen, Playful Parenting
Portland-area Parenting Classes:
Continuum Learning Community: www.continuumlearningcommunity.com
Language of Parenting: www.parenting-advise-from-mom.com
Mindful Parenting PDX: www.mindfulparentingpdx.blogspot.com
Savannah Mayfield is the mama of two boys and a life coach and freelance writer who lives in Portland. For more information: www.nurturelifecoaching.com.
